The Day Voldemort had Crack
by Kitty1994
Summary: The title says it all! Be warned, this is a crackfic, and very ooc. Rated for mild language and hinting. Takes place probably at about book 5 or 6. One-shot.


**The Day Voldemort Had Crack**

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Alright, I just went in and fixed the spacing, so it should be easier to read! Now, be warned, this is a crack-fic, and as such, contains Out Of Characterness and utter idiocy. And also take note that Bellitrix is very stupid and naïve in this fic. _Harry Potter is property of J.K. Rowling, as are all the characters in this fan fiction. I gain no profit whatsoever from this. –Shadowkitty_

_Italics _–Voldemort's _unique_ way of talking

_Underlined italics_– Voldemort's thoughts

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Voldemort was sitting on his throne-thing, and all was as it should be in Voldy's evil lair, or so they thought.

"_Severus!_" he yelled. Snape came through the door and did a quick bow. Lucius Malfoy just happened to decide to come along with him.

"Yes my lord?"

"_You and Malfoy bring me five wizard chessboards, and gather everyone in here!_" shouted Voldemort. After gathering the chess boards and all the death eaters in the general area, they all stood in the big room the meetings were held in.

"_Bellitrix!"_

"Yes my lord!" Bellitrix said whilst practically falling all over Voldemort.

"_Get off me woman! Now Bellitrix, I have a very __**important**__ job for you. You are to go to Hogwarts and- _"And kill Harry Potter?"

"_Damn it woman, let me finish! You are to go to Hogwarts and capture Harry Potter __**without**__ the use of your wand! Are we __**clear**__ Bellitrix?"_

"Yes my lord, of course! I shall not fail you!" and with that, she ran out of the room, on her way to Hogwarts.

"_All right, that should keep her busy for a while. In the mean time, let's get on with business. Now, Crabbe, I want you to-_"

"My Lord! I have him!" cried Bellitrix as she dragged a bound and gagged Harry Potter into the throne room.

"MMMPH!!" said Harry.

"QUIET YOU! _SMACK!_" Bellitrix said as she smacked Harry in the back of the head. Voldemort just stared at her.

"_How the bloody __**hell**__ did you get him that fast?!_"  
Bellitrix dropped Harry like a rock as she rushed to Voldemort, leaving Harry to sweat profusely as the other death eaters grinned menacingly at him.

"Oh my, Lord!" Bellitrix gushed.

" I found him and that Weasley boy around the back of the castle, **wrestling**!" Harry's eyes widened even more then they already were and he froze, sweating even more, eyes darting around nervously. Snape and Lucius were snickering at Harry, barely containing their laughter. Even Voldemort looked close to laughter.

"_So, Bellitrix,SNORT, how were they,SNORT, 'wrestling'? SNICKER,_" asked Voldemort. Harry looked absolutely _mortified_.

"Well my Lord," started Bellitrix.

"When I found them, Potter was on top, and then using an **obviously** muggle move, Weasley flipped Potter so that he was on top. Then my Lord, I hit the Weasley boy in the back of the head and knocked him out!" said Bellitrix, obviously proud of herself. With that last word, all the death eaters in the room, including Voldemort, burst out laughing at a very tomato-faced Harry. Bellitrix just looked confused.

"My Lord?" questioned Bellitrix,

"Please tell me what is so amusing, so I may join in your merriment!" Voldemort _stared _at her, and then looked to Lucius."_Are you to tell me that she never got 'The Talk'?"_ Lucius just shook his head, crying from laughter. Voldemort sat there, and then burst out laughing again. Bellitrix, now very anxious to find out what made her lord (and idol) actually _laugh_ she ran to Lucius and screamed,

"**WHAT IS IT!! TELL ME WHAT MAKES OUR LORD SO HAPPY AS TO **_**LAUGH!!**_** TELL ME ****NOW**** LUCIUS, OR SO HELP ME I'LL-!!**" Bellitrix was cut off as Lucius cover her mouth with his hand and tried to quell his laughter. He just barely managed to whisper into her ear as he snickered. Bellitrix on the other hand, just looked confused at what he told her. Her expression immediately turned to one of anger as she said,

"Damn it Lucius, I don't understand!! Now tell me **without**all that gibberish!!" Voldemort looked offended at Bellitrix's sudden outburst.  
"_Silence fool! Bellitrix, if you're really that anxious to know, what we mean is that Harry Potter -_"And this is when Hermione chose to burst through the big double doors.

"**Harry!**" Hermione practically sobbed. Then she commenced to pull down Harry's gag and stick her tongue down his throat as if it was a usual occurrence. Voldemort and all the death eaters just stared. To finish his earlier sentence, Voldemort said,"_-is obviously Bi."_

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Please tell me what you think! Critisism is very welcome!


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